I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
