I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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