is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
