Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
