she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
