Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
