imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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