I could make wine with my vomit
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
