my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
