I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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