you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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