Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
