I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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