So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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