i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
