So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news, I just burned my penis
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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