Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
