The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I got chris browned last night
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
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