What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
