When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
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I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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