I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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