I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
