No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
