I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Never joke about your clitoris.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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