but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
