Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
