I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
