i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
