My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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