Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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