I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
