This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
