I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
