My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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