I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
