i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
