This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
