I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
