Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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