Buhtt sex?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
