who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
