The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
