I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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