remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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