Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
