i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
