just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
