I just threw up on my dentist
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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