So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
