We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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