you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
