When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
