Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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